Such a SOLID joke
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.
He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
