Such a Winner

Their lawsuit.

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

The liver.

I lost interest in that relationship

People are dying to get there.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ….. Now give me back my dog.

this

he said NaBro

Unlock the punchline for $9.99.

It was just lowercase.

They go too far above your head.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

It's a re-warding job.

It was bread in captivity.

Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.

The odds were against me

He liked to pump irony.

Christian Bale.

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.  Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.  The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions;  Have you any grounds?  Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?  It made of concrete.  I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?  No we have a carport, and not need one.  I mean, What are your relations like?  All my relations still in Poland  Is there any infidelity in your marriage?  We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.   Does your wife beat you up?  No, I always up before her.  Is your wife a nagger?  No, she white.  Why do you want this divorce?  She going to kill me.  What makes you think that?  I got proof.  What kind of proof?  She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:  Polish Remover.

…said it was only used from time to time.

People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.

When you replace the b with a d

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

oof

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

That's the spirit.

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

The bartender replies "For you? No charge."

The way they pronounce unionized

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

1GB

I still have flashbacks!

They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.