Such commit Very push Much wow
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material…
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
![SALUTE ME WHILE I STEAL FROM THIS ARTIST [Credit to u/evalinee on r/im14andthisisdeep]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/mlg3izzk87j21-400x515.png)
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
