Such cute👌👌🍆
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.