Suck my liberal cock, traitors.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
What do you call a disagreeable horse?
A neigh sayer.
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."