Sucks to be high schooler
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
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Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
I can explain…
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What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier
They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says, "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return". The PO salutes jumps off the bow, swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here!". The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off". The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that gentlemen, is courage"
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
No text found
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
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My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid…
Man she really wanted a daughter.