My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I think we can all agree, that He is truly the immortal one.
I think we can all agree, that He is truly the immortal one.
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
I just drove my truck into a building!
Good thing I opened the garage door first.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
Finding the loot
Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator. “Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.” “The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.” “Tell the gringos I will never tell them.” “Jose says he will never tell you.” The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose. “Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.” “The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.” Jose begins to tremble with fear. “I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.” “Jose says he is not afraid to die.”