My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
I’m on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
ANNOUNCEMENT: r/boomershumor cleanup and return to the golden era
This sub has gone from great to bad in just months. The majority of the top posts were rule-breaking reposts from r/terriblefacebookmemes and r/wholesomememes. Many long-term members have been rightfully complaining.I am happy to announce that r/boomershumor will be returning to its roots: a place for shitty boomer comics.Here’s what that means:Rules will be enforced again and new mods will be recruited in the coming weeks.Old posts that broke the rules are being removed — a clean standard needs to be set for new members.Wholesome comics are not allowed.Meta threads and OC boomer comics are now officially allowed for the time being and have their own flair.Reminder of the rules and examples of what doesn’t belong:Rule 1: Baby boomer humor only. Terrible comics that younger people could find funny don’t belong here. Try r/ComedyCemetery.Rule 2: Must be comic styled. Example of what doesn’t belong. Shitty boomer memes can be posted to r/terriblefacebookmemes.Rule 3: No wholesome comics or sanity edits. Example. You can find wholesome comics on r/wholesomememes and sanity edits on various other subs.Additional Changes:Post flairs have been added. Please recommend additional flairs in the comments.Users flairs have been added. You can select your generation and out yourself as a boomer.When reporting posts, you can now select which rule. Thank you for taking the time to report.Please post any feedback, questions, comments, and complaints about your wife in the comments below.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."