Sulphuric acid goes brrrrr
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.