Sunscreen advocates are pretty shady
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane