Superhero time
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Why isn’t there a decent setting for these toast machines?
Why isn’t there a decent setting for these toast machines?
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.