David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
A midget walks into a brothel NSFW
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him. She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?". He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey". The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee. She says "well that doesnt sound so bad". "It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.
Because I'm Canadian.
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall.
But they’ll get over it
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
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What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.