Sure, always blame the millennials
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks