Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
You’ve been elected president of the phobia society.
I was afraid of that.
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.