Sure you did
This transcends all humor
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
“I want something like Facebook, but with…”
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Heroes & Villains of Software Development
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
Seriously Physics why ?
This got a chuckle out of me.
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Republicans: 🤷🏼♂️ “let them eat cake”
Two Watt Bulbs
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
Friendly reminder to set your file associations accordingly
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
But the DeMoCraTS FOunDEd THe KKK!
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
This pic tells the story of my life.
saving a “bit” of money
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
I tripped in France
Patriotism vs the alt-right.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
Know the true definition of speed guys
Satan setting us to a trap we learned to love.
Sudo kill me
Haha saggy boobs
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Officers of the United States
The Ideal Algorithm!!
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
First post here
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
Work from home good
Et al feels
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Sorry for this joke
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
He’s got a point
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
made with CMB
A tech doodle I did. If you like, follow me.
Stolen from Facebook , wholesome AF
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
Mom! I need you!
Well ok, let’s do that!
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
NBA AND CHINA.
My friend just texted me this
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
Uncle Sam wants YOU! 👉
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.