Surface functionalized Au nanoparticles for the win
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”