Surrounded
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren’t silent. They’re just waiting their turn.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…
When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."
What do you call a child born in a whore house?
A Brothel Sprout
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.