Suspenders because old
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
![Genghis Khan Descending [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/wk5fkuneqw141-400x493.jpg)
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though