Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
I’m sure it went fine
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
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What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
client expectation vs client budget
Calling all good Christians!
Giraffe problems [OC]
I see something else…
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
hahaha GET IT!?!?!?
NSFW.. PANTIES for sale..
Republicans United To Fight For Injustice
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
Guess the country?
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
This is from my 23 year old boomer driend
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
You got something on your face, nope it’s still there..
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
Boomers don’t discriminate
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
Google chrome looks like an eye
In Memoriam 2020
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
Now you know !!
Hopefully, Lincoln represents the vote in November.
Somehow the Senate has forgotten how to work
He has a point
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
The GOP is showing us its priorities
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Haha get it? Because millennial?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Wife takes laxatives. It’s funny because Easter is in two weeks.
Where do they come from?
Maybe he should just stop being poor.
Intelligence was never an option
Comments? Who needs them?
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Ungrateful little sh*t
Introducing a conditional clause
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
First post here
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Teeing off with the facts.
Pull request: Delete duplicate word “long long”
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
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I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.