SyntaxError: invalid brrrrr
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism?
He was gladiator.
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
