T H O N K šÆ
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
What did the bee say to the daffodil? š¼
Hey bud, when do you open? š
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
I got the words, ājacuzziā and āyakuzaā confused…
Now Iām in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
I donāt hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I canāt do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line Iām all set
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – āWhat would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?ā
Guy #2 – āI would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?ā Guy #1 – āIād sit very fucking still for the next hour!ā
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
Heās not looking so good.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldnāt wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasnāt there.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
Itās true! I saw it with my own eyes.
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didnāt do anything at all
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldnāt possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever Iām about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
Youāre good, how am I?
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."