Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
Coming soon to a prison near you…
Coming soon to a prison near you…
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.