Take me with you
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
