Take the challenge nerds
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
FREDDIE MERCURY APPEARS BEFORE BEFORE BRYAN MAY IN A PUFF OF SMOKE
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
https://ift.tt/3bzwcUG
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up”
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
