Taken from a post in r/7daystodie I enjoyed it. I think you “wood” too 😁
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
I can do it with my eyes closed
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Because property is theft
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
Repairs will be futile.
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
It got toad.
That was my wholemeal…
…but the working conditions were shocking
r/dadjokes on you!
I want to make sure they're still OK
Tuna half minutes!
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"