Taken from my grandma’s Facebook
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
