Talk about an “Uncanny Valley”…
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.