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I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
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George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
I was walking through a quarry…
I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs