Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
https://ift.tt/2tSJaME
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"