TB or not TB
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
A golfer and a caddy step into the golf course. The caddy asks, “Sir, why did you bring two bags?”
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
Why are teeth so privileged?
They’re straight and white.
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints