Teach yourself programming in 21 days
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
