The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
But her aim is steadily improving.
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
A father in law
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The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
It writes other words too.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
But then I turned myself around.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
They were cooked in Greece
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I stopped seeing her for a while.