Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
