Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this?
"Y"
Because I'm asking you! What letter is it??
"Y!"
How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this??
I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke
"Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good š
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
People in Dubai donāt like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
Joke
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
White people donāt shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: āWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iād beat lung cancer…ā pauses for effect ā…I guess I let it go to my head.ā
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "Noā¦ Taiwan is notā¦ uhā¦ Yes, China is ā¦ uhā¦"
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because itās the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if weāre gonna be living in the future might as well look it
Perhaps this is the reason Moscow Mitch can’t agree on impeachment trial terms with Trump
https://ift.tt/35yTXJc
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
No text found
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill āWho created Earth?ā Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells āOh my God!ā āthat is correct Jill.ā She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill āWho is our Lord and Saviour ?ā Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells āJesus Christ!ā Teacher says āCorrect again Jill.ā Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill āWhat did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?ā Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells āIF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, IāLL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!ā
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
My mate keeps buying cars
Heās got car owner virus
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
Why doesnāt electricity like History class?
Because itās only interested in current events.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."