Tears of a clown
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
SORRY THIS POST IS IN ALL CAPS,
BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs can’t pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY