I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
There were three guys on a plane
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and they’re walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying “An apple came down and killed my cat” she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said “a lemon came down and killed my dog” They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said “I farted and the guy behind me exploded”
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.