Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Velcro is such a rip-off
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I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
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Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
My wooden leg stepped in poop
Sorry about the shitpost
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
A pregnant woman got into a car accident and was placed in a medically-induced coma.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
