Technology Bad
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
Hope this reaches my target audience
Hope this reaches my target audience
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
3% raise, extra 2 days of vacation, and better coffee…
3% raise, extra 2 days of vacation, and better coffee…
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.