Technology bad
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
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