As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
National dyslexia association
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. “Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
That'd be way too many
There were so many red flags.
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
He was outstanding in his field.
Cum on guys
It was a stage he was going through.
Because that's the only way he can hear.
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
But the thyme is cumin.
He’s called Broco Lee.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
I simply told her we use names here
they become VERY ANGRY
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
Me: Thanks for reminding me
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
129 bugs in the code.
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
And not joint custody
All the fans left