Tectonics be like
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.