Teen obsession with mobile phones …
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him Β£240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets Β£190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about Β£25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien π½ (Illuminati theme song playin')
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because itβs in the middle of water
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, βYes. But I was part of the control group.β
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
Itβs nice to have a bit of company…
Whatβs the difference between a female farmer and Hitlerβs girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
The last 4 letters of βqueueβ arenβt silent
Theyβre waiting for their turn
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, βWhat are you doing?β She answers, βIβm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid Β£400 for doing what I do for you for free.β Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where heβs going,he replies, βIβm coming too I want to see how you live on Β£800 a yearβ.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts βMickey Mouse!β This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agentβs supervisor takes him aside and asks, βWhat in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?β Blushing, the agent replies, βI got nervous. I meant to shout…… βDonald duck.β
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, Iβm not kidding you.
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answersβ¦
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".