TeeNs nEEd SleeP
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
