Telepotty
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
What do you call a disagreeable horse?
A neigh sayer.
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
I don’t get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
![Funnyandsad [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/7uz6q1ylknq41-400x655.jpg)
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.