Tell me about it…
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
A boys get invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner
He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says: "Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky." "Sure" the pharmacist replies. As he walks out he turns around and says: "Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one" "No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another. He turns to walk out again and turns around: "In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?" He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house. As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace. As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down. His girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious" The boy, keeping his head down replied: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
2 reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
They would spend it on alcohol. I want to spend it on alcohol.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t bulid a car from spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
A man walks into a bar…
… and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.” The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” The bartender says “take a bite.” The man takes a bite of the apple “wow this tastes just like whiskey!” Bartender “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims “wow this tastes just like coke! I’m gonna eat these all night!” A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 2nd man says “what is this? I don’t want an apple!” The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims “wow this tastes just like gin!” Bartender says “turn it around.” The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. “Wow I’m going to eat these all night!” Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says “Man I don’t want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.” The bartender says “Oh don’t worry I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 3rd man extremely confused says “what is this for?” The bartender says “Take a bite.” The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!” The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison “Turn it around.”
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Know what’s remarkable?
Whiteboards.