Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.
Aisle weight.
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
I took a class about origami and gambling
They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Dad out.
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
https://ift.tt/2XmlYk4
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
Why can’t the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.
He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
Genie: OK, I’m ready for your third wish.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.