Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
9 months later!!!
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
It all
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Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
Rise Up genZ, Millennials and genX!¡! Boomers+ are trying to drown us out!¡!
Rise Up genZ, Millennials and genX!¡! Boomers+ are trying to drown us out!¡!
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.