Terri Sciavo’s ghost
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
What’s 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?