Terrible Christmas card showing “Modern Day Kids” Christmas list…
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser
Just to take the edge off
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0