Terribly fake but I felt it belongs here
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
Now you know who the best people are
Guess who came crawling back.
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
I don’t know why
It causes me to start coffin.
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
She knew how to carry The One
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
You can say…. I solved the case.
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
But there’s too many drawbacks
They both end with “Checkmate”.
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
So i packed up and right.
He was in Daniel.
Their careers were in ruins.
It was the least I could do.
Weird way to start a conversation.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
They'll get over it.
Call it John Wick.
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.